


"A Million Stairs"

by MarriedWithJo



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Character Death, Death from Old Age, Implied/Referenced Character Death, M/M, Old Age, Phanfiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-11
Updated: 2017-10-11
Packaged: 2019-01-16 02:58:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 990
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12334101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MarriedWithJo/pseuds/MarriedWithJo
Summary: “The year is 2087 and it’s been 16 years since Phil died.”For Dan, every day was an achievement.The first few months he thought it was his imagination tricking on him.I mean, his best friend, the love of his life was… dead? Buried six feet under ground? No, it couldn’t be.





	"A Million Stairs"

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone! I wrote a one-shot about Dan and Phil! 
> 
> So, this is a sort of AU, an Old!Phan AU, precisely, where
> 
> ((MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING))
> 
> Phil is dead.
> 
> And Dan remembers him and their relationship through the verses of an old poem he finds in a book in Phil’s library.

_“The year is 2087 and_ _it’s been 16 years since Phil died.”_  


For Dan, every day was an achievement.

The first few months he thought it was his imagination tricking on him.

I mean, his best friend, the love of his life was… dead? Buried six feet under ground? No, it couldn’t be.

But as days and weeks and months and years passed, he became aware of his loneliness and he finally accepted the death of his companion, closing himself to every person who tried to reach out and help him.

On a lovely and sunny day of March, Dan decided to dive into the memories and the nostalgia of his past.

He opened the storage room where he put all of Phil’s stuff many years ago, to relieve the grief, just a little, and a bunch of books fell off the library. One in particular looked old and consumed, as if the reader was obsessed with it.

Dan picked them up and went to the living room, sitting on his rocking chair, a gift from his son and his wife. They gave him a pair of them, but the other one never had the chance to be used.

He opened the book and after reading a random page, he recognized some famous poems, from both English and foreign poets. And there was a page that was almost completely yellow from all of the highlighter Phil used on the words written. Probably it was one of his favorites.

The poem was written by an Italian poet of almost one hundred years ago, Eugenio Montale, and it was called “A Million Stairs”.

 

**_“I went down, giving you my arm, at least one million stairs_ **

**_and now, when you are no more here,_ **

**_it’s the void on every step.”_ **

****

The words hit Dan’s soul at an impossible speed. His heart was beating so fast he thought he could have died by heart attack at any moment.

They were so real and relatable and he could have sworn he heard the harmonious sound of a younger Phil’s voice read them for him.  
  


****_“Also in such way our long journey has been short too.”_  
  


They, him and Phil, had done almost everything together since the very beginning. They moved in together, first in Manchester and then in London. They created DanAndPhilGames and DanAndPhilCrafts, together. They united their community of fans all over the internet and beyond, together. 

Thanks to their fans they settled down their feelings for each other and they developed their relationship until they finally decided to retire from Youtube, but doing it with a vow to their fans, promising them that they will definitely marry and live happily ever after. 

And even then, to Dan it seemed like no time had passed. Yes, there were days slower than other ones, but all of that time spent with Phil went like a blink of an eye. Phil had this ability to make everyone at their ease simply with a smile or a dumb pun or a bizarre anecdote. 

That’s why Dan loved Phil so much. His genuineness and capability to love others when no one else could; his spontaneity and his optimism kept Dan alive. And that was what Dan missed the most about his friend. 

 

**_“Mine still goes on, and I need no more coincidences,_ **

**_reservations, traps, the scorns of those who believe_ **

**_that the reality is what you see.”_ **

****

Dan remembered vividly their Amazing Tour Is Not On Fire. Hell, if he remembered it. They spent almost 3 months on a bus, performing every night on a different stage, and having the best time of their lives.

He remembered all of the laughs and the smiles on the faces of their fans and all of the amazing and sometimes cringey stuff they made for them.

He remembered all of his and Phil‘s journeys through the world: Japan, Australia, Europe (especially Italy, which both of them loved for its food and its beloved and loyal Phans).

All of the missed trains and planes, all of the amazing food they’ve tasted into some of the most refined restaurants of the globe. 

But he also remembered the bad times, when, because of all of that people who couldn’t accept that two men could fall in love and couldn’t face that reality, both of them wanted to give up, both on their channels and their relationship.

He hated that period of time, but together (as they always have been), and through the love and support of their fans, they managed to overcome it.  
  


**_“I went down millions stairs giving you my arm_ **

**_not just because with four eyes perhaps you see more._ **

**_With you I went down ’cause I knew that between us_ **

**_the only true pupils, though such obfuscated,_ **

**_were yours.”_ **

****

Phil had always had bad sight; he had to wear contact lenses and glasses. A few years before his death, his sight got worse to the point that the optician prescribed him some bottle-bottom glasses; Dan sometimes made fun of them, but most of the time he reassured Phil that he looked still hot and adorable to him.

But deep down, even if Phil had bad eyes, he had the best goddamn mind and heart in the all world.  

He was the reason Dan had created his channel and uploaded his first video; he was the one who helped Dan through his drop out in college; he was the one who proposed to move together in Manchester and in London; he was the one who decided to share his BONCA Award with him just because he spent an entire year with the person he loved the most;  he was the one that inspired Dan to do everything he did in his life. 

He was the sun that guided Dan’s life, taking him by hand and showing him a world full of colors and light.   


He was amazing and he was  ** _his Phil._**

**Author's Note:**

> The poem is “Ho sceso, dandoti il braccio” which literally means “I went down, giving you my arm” and it's by Eugenio Montale, an amazing Italian poet of the 20th century, who dedicated this poem to his wife, who died a few years earlier than him.
> 
> It's so beautiful and heart breaking at the same time that it made me think of Dan and Phil right away and I had to write something over.
> 
> Hope you liked it!


End file.
